Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2006 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing….The house we wanted last
year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: “Does anyone know whose phone this is?”
so, once there were two sisters, a brunette and a blone. the brunette went to the countryside to buy a bull. she buyed the bull, and hooked it on a trailer. then she went to the telegram office to send a telegram. she wanted to tell her sister that she has bought the bull, hooked it on a trailer, and that she could come. she told that to the man who works there, but he says she only has enough money to send one word. so, the brunette thinks, and says "comfortable". the man asks, "how do you want to tell all that with just the word "comfortable"?" the brunette says, "my sister is blonde. the word is long. she will read it very slowly. "COM-FOR-DA-BULL""
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. He’s a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to city Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like one, too!” Then I said, “But this is for a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, “You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don’t care what you do.” I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny—I have the same problem.”
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that cable is all over the place, it’s no big deal anymore.”
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said, “This courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case, please.” Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said “That’s not unusual. It happens to a lot of people.”
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I told him that I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up Friday.
Two women were in a military camp and the general told them he wanted them to paint his office. He said to be careful though, because the paint stains clothes. So when the general left the room they stripped off their clothes and got to work. About half an hour later a knock came from the door. The asked, “who is it?” The reply, “blind man.” The thought it no harm to let in someone who can’t see. The opened the door. “hello,” said the man. “Where would you like me to put the blinds?”
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your Mother.”
Once there was an averige cargo ship sailing through the water. It had an averige size crew with averige size cannons. Just an averige ship.
One day they were sailing on one of their normal routs when they spotted a pirate ship heading right at them. The holw crew was in a panic over the huge pirate ship. They were outnumbered what could they do?
Suddenly the captain jumped up and yelled “Get me my red shirt!” He then lead his men to an amazing victory of the savage pirates. His whole crew was in awe over his brilliance.
The next day they were one the same route when they saw not one but 2 huge pirate ships. Once again the crew was in a panic. Until the captain again jumped up and yelled “Get me my red shirt!!” And like the day before he lead his men to brilliant victory.
That night they all sat out on the beach celebrating there great victorys. When one man asked the captain “Why do you always ask for your red shirt?”
To this the captain responded “I ask for it so if i get stabbed in the fight you wont notice and will keep fighting.” At this the crew was struck in awe once more. What a leader he was.
Well the next day on their trip they saw not 1 not 2 but 4 huge pirate ships. The whole crew looked up in anticipation of thoes famous words. The captain stood there for a second before saying “Get me my brown pants.”